Inhale, Exhale...

Breathe in...

Breathe out.

It really has been a while since this blog has had any post. And I suddenly remembered the existence of this thing hahahaha.

4 years passed since the last post.

And..oh wow.

Many things changed.
Many things happened.
Life...happened.

Blood.
Sweat.
Tears.
Laughter.
Good times.
Bad times.
Loved ones.
Forgotten ones.
Unwanted events.

But the best of all...


Memories.
Good ones. Bad ones.
Good ones that I wish to forget.
Bad ones which I also wish to forget.
But...that's what makes you...you, right?

I'll prolly write a post entitled... "Memories".
Bittersweet? Yeah maybe.
But they do say writing things down help ease the mind...right?

Until the next time.

Ciao.

Quickie! ...okay maybe not so.

*Blow off dust*
*cough cough*

Hello again. *does an awkward wave*

I don't remember the last time I blogged.
Indeed it has been waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.. too long.

Who still blogs? I do.
Well every once in a blue moon, that is. Heh.

Let's see, where shall I begin?


1. Graduated!
YEAAAAAAHHHHHAAAHAHAHAAAYYYYY yeay yeah, yeah. Graduated from college in December. Now my introduction would be..

"Hi, good morning. My name is Kenn, your PHYSIOTHERAPIST for today."

HAHAHAHAHA.

But then, 6 months later. Here I am, about to start my degree in 2 weeks time. lol.
I'm a student...again.



2. Temporary.
Well since my last post in September, *I'm sorry. LOL. But oh well, it's not like anyone reads my blog, so it's somehow safe here? Heh.* indeed it has been temporary.

Temporary what, you may ask?

PEOPLE.

TEMPORARY PEOPLE.

So there's this tweet that I saw the other day,

"From the age 19 - 22, you will meet a lot of temporary people."

And I sat down and thought to myself, indeed.
A lot of temporary people.
People came..
and left.

But oh well, there's this verse that I like to sing:

*proceeds to listen to that song*

Haha over the past few months, or rather for the past year, I've developed and lived according to this saying:

"Do I look like I care?"

"Never put too much expectation in someone."

"Pictures can be deceiving."

All these lessons..are through experiences.

Bad experiences.

And no one to pick you up.

Sometimes all you have is yourself.

And Him, of course. He NEVER left.

And through each painful day, time did its magic.

I was okay again. 

And today I can proudly look at you with a smile and say,

"Let bygones be bygones. Do not chase after what is gone. If it was meant to be, it will be."

But I must say, even now, I can pretty much relate to Queen Elsa.

HAHAHAHA OKAY PLEASE, I'M NOT THAT CHILDISH BUT somehow..it's true?

"Stay away, I do not wish to hurt you. It is only for your own good."

"Yes, I'm alone, but I'm alone and..free."

Like a rose, as pretty it may seem, there are thorns which are bound to prick and.. hurt.

Okay, enough liao. Moving on.

3. Part time!

YES, like..yes. I've got a part time on weekends!

Which I like pretty much. Heh.

I get to play with ALL THESE ADORABLE MINI HOOMANS.

It might be tiring at times, but looking at them so happy, it makes me happy as well.

"Bye bye teacher."

"Teacher. look."

*Kid holds onto your finger*
*Kid gives you a mischievous look and breaks into a big smile*

*Kid runs towards you to give you a hug hug.*

I just kennot. You get me? I. Just. Kennot.

All these small, small gestures. 

May God bless all you tiny hoomans and grow up to be big, and good people okay? :')

What's next?

Well like I mentioned earlier, degree is starting in 2 weeks time.
Somehow I am getting mixed emotions.
New faces.
New friends.
New people.
New group.
New...everything.

I have not been a nice person.
Crushed souls, soul being crushed.
Blah blah blah.

Until next time.

Ciao.

....Almost.

Can you tell me?

How can one miss what she's never had

How could I reminisce when there is no past

How could I have memories of being happy with you boy?

Can someone tell me how can this be?

How could my mind pull up incidents

Recall dates and times that never happened

How could we celebrate a love that's to late?

And how could I really mean the words I'm bout to say...

I missed the times that we almost shared

I miss the love that was almost there

I miss the times that we use to kiss

At least in my dreams

Just let me take my time and reminisce

I miss the time that we never had

What happened to us we were almost there

Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had

Never almost had you...

I cannot believe I let you go

Or what I should say I should've

grabbeb you up and never let you go

I should've went out with you

I should've made you my boo boy

Yes that's one time I should've broke the rules

I should've went on a date

Should've found a way to escape

Should've turned a almost into

If it happened now its to late

How could I celebrate a love that wasn't real?

And if it didn't happen why does my heart feel?

I missed the times that we almost shared

I miss the love that was almost there

I miss the times that we use to kiss

At least in my dreams

Just let me take my time and reminisce

I miss the times that we never had

What happened to us we were almost there

Whoever said it's impossible to miss when you never had

Never almost had you...

..yep. Everything was almost there.

What happened?

Happy...Independence Day?

Please don't shut me out alright?
Please don't turn your back on me.
You don't have to keep your distance from me.

For the first time in forever,
I've shed tears over someone.
For the first time in forever,
I don't know how to feel.

I've been on a roller-coaster of emotions,
And now I'm stuck at the low point.
Dear Time, please do your magic,
I can't take this anymore.

Here's what I have been thinking:
1. You're not interested anymore.
2. A cold treatment so that it is easier for you to leave, for me to forget you and nobody gets hurt.
But I'm hurt already.
3. I expected too much.

I don't know what happened,.
Please, can't we fix this together?
I'll keep my distance for now,
Until the next firework sound and then we'll make our own fireworks again.
But for now, I wish you all the best no matter where you are.


I don't know the chance of you reading this post but if you do come across this post, yeah. Please.

I'm only human.

I'm only human.
I bleed when I fall down.
I crash and I break down.
There's only so much that I can do; so much that I can bear; so much that I can handle.

All the emotions.
All the pressure.
All the expectations.
All the disappointments.
All the killed-me-inside moments.

Sometimes,
When you want to catch your friend by accident.
But not knowingly they fall into your trap with ease.
And the look on the person's face after they realize what they have just said/done.

...In which the reply killed you inside.

"I doubt how will you perform."
"I expected better. I expected more."
"He/She is there doing so and so."
"Why did you do so?"
"If you felt it was difficult, how did the rest do?"



I am not as good as you think.
I am not thinking straight.
I have not been doing my best.
I have been letting even myself down.
I am scared.
I am competitive.
I am...scary.


I want to run.
I want to hide.
I want to express.
I want to tell.
I want to be honest.


Who doesn't want to live a "correct" life?


But as everything goes by,
I still have this hope.
This hope that never fail to remind me;

He loves you.
He NEVER gives up on you.
He will always wait for you with arms open wide no matter how far you have gone.

In Him I seek comfort.
In Him I find rest.
In Him I trust.
For He listens.

Friends and Trust.

I've always had this saying:

Friends are like a handful of sand that you hold at the beach.
With every rush of seawater that washes your hand,
They reduce in amount.
And by a few more washes,
They'll be all...gone.

Same thing applies for trust too.

Keep on giving me reasons to not to trust you,
And slowly you'll be gone too.

Week 3, 2014.

Well well well,
this blog DOES need some update every once in a while.

Just let me rant for a while.

And I know it's all safe to write here. Because :)


"I do not know if meeting you was a good or a bad thing.
Cause for everything that happens, there surely must be the pros and cons, eh?

I really don't know.
There's just something about....you.

That really caught my attention.

Your looks?
Your attitude?
Your behaviour?
Your smile?


...but even after so and many years, I never seem to understand some terms.

"Don't put so much attention on someone who won't put that much of attention into you."

I never learn from my mistakes.

Mistake --> Falls --> "Lesson learnt" --> Repeats mistake.

And the cycle goes on and on and on.



I'm dreaming, 
I'm hallucinating,
I'm ...hoping.

Too much.
Okay maybe a liiiiiiitle too much.


For what?
For the impossible?



Why care so much when the other party doesn't do so?

Why never learn from all these one sided experiences?

Friendships?


They never end...beautifully.


..nothing ever ends beautifully.

Always one party will end up ugly. 


I should really learn to control my mouth.
As if I don't.
Sometimes you just can't control - words just slip out.
Accidentally.


And if some other party is quick enough to pick up - jeng jeng jenggggggggggg.
Thoughts.
Doubt.
Fear.
What ifs.
:O 
Dead meat. Or maybe not haha.

But I must really say,
What magic is this have you placed on me?
Or is it a curse?


Every second, every minute, every hour. 

Okay maybe not EVERY, but most of the time.

Every day.

Any moment I'm awake.

Or about to fall asleep.


What is this?

Why?

Forbidden?

Why?

"Last seen's" - the most evil thing ever invented, hahaha.




....do you really not care?


..at all?

But I must say, 
Any small, small thing you have done that made me smile,




...I appreciate.
...I treasure.
...I..okay maybe not remember, but somehow ..
yeah I smiled :)



Hold on, not long more, 
Everything will come to an end.
We'll separate.
We'll split.
We won't see each other any more.

So is that good or bad?"




Okbai.

Level up!

Ja jaaang, yours truly.

               This is Randy, or Meng Meng (that's what I call him. Heh)                    And this is the ever pretty Desiree.

Okay, this is the first time i'm uploading my own photos on my blog.

Yaay (?) I'm 20.
HAHAHA.

But seriously, thanks Meng and Riri for the surprise, cake and present.
And also the lame excuses and acting. HAHAHA.

Why I love them?
This group of people, they never fail to come up with all sorts of wacky ideas for birthday surprises.
Oh before that, this group of people consists of..
Desiree
Meng
Le Zheng
Sin Hui
Anqi
Mok
Xiang Lin
Jaryl
And a few more which am not sure whether to mention their names or not. Oh well.


This group of friends,
I came to know them when I was in UTAR.
We all started together.
But wow, 2 years down the line and most of us are..separated.
Some came, some went..
And the list changes...



I won't say I expected more, but yeah this small gathering of the three of us is more than enough.
Totally understand those who can't make it.
Cause we are all....


separated....



IT'S OKAY, we can still keep in touch via social networks. Heee.





But deep down inside I am..disappointed.
Over someone else.
I waited...for you.
Where were you?
Your wish would be sufficient.
I wish I could learn to not put so much hope in you.
Indeed disappointed. 
That's why, never put so much hope in someone that you have just got to know.
Lesson learnt.



Actually I don't know what to write.
I just felt like writing cause..it's something to be celebrated?
HAHAHA.

So, I've survived another year.

Another year has passed by so quickly.

Let's pray for the remainder of the year, 

and may things go well. 

Alright? :)

Unfathomable.

I'm worried, but I'm glad.

I'm sad, but I'm happy,

I'm confused, I don't understand.

I hope to, and I want to.


To see you.


Everyday.



What is this?

Who are you to me?

What is this.. feeling?





"How are you?"

"What are you doing?"

"What are you thinking?"

"Morning."

"Night, sleep tight."







"...do you feel the same way as I do?"






I know, I should not put too much hope in you.

In fact, I should not put any hope in you.

Why should I, why would I?

It's absurd.

It's futile.

It's  
  .
  .
  .  


impossible. 







Stop playing games with me already, alright?

I'm getting tired of it.

Save me from all the heart aches, okay?

Randomness number 88.

Woot woot.

's been a while since an update. Oh well, nobody reads any ways.

My place to rant everything. Haha.


Been away from KL for 2 weeks - internship at RSK Ulu Kinta, Perak.

Oh just to make things clear, many people think of Tanjung Rambutan as a place for cuckoo people. Well, let's get facts straight.
1. Tanjung Rambutan is the name of an AREA, not the name of the mental hospital.
2. The name of the mental hospital is HBUK (Hospital Besar Ulu Kinta, Tanjung Rambutan).

Well, this place is pretty spacious heh. There are staff living in the area.
I don't know how many hectares of land is the hospital, but heck yeah there are lots of space for you to run and feel the wind.

The nursing home (RSK UK) - there's a very peaceful ambience over there. Prolly cause it's near the mountains.

It's quite windy over there at night, and cool night breeze - something you'll never be able to get if you live in this concrete jungle Kuala Lumpur.

The air there is seriously different - you can breath in fresh, cool air in the morning, with visible drops of morning dew on the grass. Precious.

Being there for 2 weeks, I've got to know some tenants there.

As a reflective diary, I really thank God that my parents are still in the pink of health.

One thing, if one ever work in nursing homes, one must have a slightly hardened heart.

Going for carolling really has trained my heart to be a bit tougher - I tried not to be too attached with the tenants there so that when I leave, I don't go with a heavy heart. And when you talk with them, they might have to tendency to start tearing up.

One uncle who was just admitted cried when we interviewed him. I still remember what he said in Chinese.
Translation: "Why am I so useless. I'd rather die than live. Please let me die"
This uncle had a VERY mild stroke, and his strength of his R UL and LL is mostly 3 or 4.

Oh, let me explain.
0 - no movement at all.
1- slight twitch of muscle.
2 - can move in gravity eliminated position.
3 - can move against gravity.
4 - can move against minimal resistance.
5 - can move against maximum resistance.
MMT. lol.

He...was very sad and thus the tears. My prayer goes to you uncle. But heck yeah he has a very strong spirit - wants to get well. He shows very good effort in trying to get well when doing exercises. He really wish that he could stand again.


HAHAHA okay I think this is too much. Very long post. Very very much more to talk, but even I don't know what I am writing.

Hahaha okay then, till the next update!
Ciao.

Sentimental crap.

Saturday, 25th May 2013. Hot day.

Whoa.
The first thought as I saw my diary.


Okay maybe that wasn't a diary, cause I wrote one page and abandoned it till I found it earlier.

It says,
"30th May 2011, First day of Uni."




I went blank.

That was what I wrote 2 years ago.

And look where I am at today.

I'm in a different college, halfway through my diploma.

Wow.




WOW.

So much happened in these 2 years.

I couldn't help but to stop packing, and sat down and started thinking.


Of all the people that I've met in these 2 years.
New friends from uni and college.
Making the effort to keep in touch with high school friends.
Primary school friends? Urm.

Wow, just WOW.


Pretty random update.
Can't think much.
Too sentimental.
Too much happened.


"People come, people go. Important ones will make an effort to stay."


LOL what.
Ok bai, till the next update.

Hospitals.

One step,
Two steps,
Three steps.

A place of emotions -

Joy.

Sorrow.

Pain.

Anger.

Fear.

Anxiety.

HOPE.


What hope?

Hope for a better day tomorrow?

Or is it another day to endure?

Another day of suffering?




Hospitals.

As a healthcare provider student, I always have mixed feelings when going to the hospital.


The first one is where I enter a hospital as a student - to gain new knowledge, to learn, to help people.

But the other one is where I enter the hospital as a visitor.


And nope, I don't like this feeling.
You see them at their lowest.

What is going to happen to them?

What comes after this?

..After tonight?

....The next morning?

What can you do when you see them?

Worry for them?



Yes people do have their ups and downs,
And being in the hospital (no matter you or someone you know!) is where they are at one of their lowest point.


I really don't know - I couldn't bear to look at my friend for too long. 


Father LORD, 
Only You know how that person's condition is.
No matter what happens, 
Father LORD you lay Your healing hands upon this person, 
Be with this person as this person goes through one of the lowest points of life.
Instil in this person the confidence that tomorrow will be a better day, 


Psalm 23:4 
"Even though I walk 
 through the darkest valley, 
I will fear no evil, 
for You are with me; 
Your rod and Your staff, 
they comfort me." (NIV)



This, my friend, is a verse for you.
You might not know of Him,
but call upon Him, and He will listen.



All this I ask and pray in His mighty and precious name,
Amen.

Someday, someday.

That's it.

I've had enough.

Father Lord, what is this?

I don't understand.

Not the slightest bit or part of it.

What are you trying to do?

Dah cukup sentap ni. Yelah yelah.

Do lah whatever you want.


Pretty fun huh when everything clashes and everything goes wrong at the same time,

and seems to be so many things happening at wrong timings.

*Credits to the owner of the pic. I do not own the pic.

I don't know.

Yes I have seen this image before. 

And as I write this, this image seems to pop up in my mind. 

Oh well.

Father Lord, unto You I cast all my worries. 

Unto You I cast all my brokenness.

Only You understand what is going on.

And how I feel.

And someday, someday. I might understand.

Please, pretty please.

What?

I don't know how.

I don't know why.

I don't know when.




But I know who.



A very big possibility that none of you might read this,

Or even know that this post ever existed.



Hey you.

You're making me mad.

Not mad that you're hiding stuff from us.

But making them worry.

So please, pretty please.



You know how to make them stop worrying.

Well, what are you still waiting for?

(Credits to the owner of the pic, I do not own the pic)

Now that 1% of it has been made known to me,

Bear in mind that you will always be in my prayers.


We might not be able to do anything,

But I do believe that He will.

And He will have His way, a purpose that we will never understand.




Do keep in mind,

We'll be with you no matter what happens.

Though thick and thin.

Okay?

--No. Don't take all the time you need.

Please do what is right.

IMMEDIATELY.

Part II: Chapter 2 - Amen.

Tomorrow's the day.

Have you ever seen how a caterpillar slowly spins silk around itself and becomes a cocoon?

And then they undergo metamorphosis and become beautiful butterflies.

Then they morph into eagles and at the final stage they finally become dragons?

LOLOLOL.

Okay the last part is bullsh*t, I'm just merely telling how your nervousness slowly builds as a date for something important approaches.

"Father Lord,

As we all know, all good comes from You, and the bad happens for a reason.

You take away the fear,

For everything is under Your control.

So many decisions to make, so many uncertainties ahead.

You take lead, Father Lord.

And be my guide - not only for me, but for all your beloved sons and daughters.

Unto You I commit this heavy load."

Part II: Chapter 1 - Chocolate cake.

*Pitter patter, pitter patter*

As the rain kept falling, a cake was in the making.

It was a chocolate cake, with melted chocolate.

Served with ice cream and drizzled with chocolate.

There was no occasion on that day.

There is no need for an occasion to bake a cake.

But there could also be cakes for special occasions.

Birthdays, weddings, or simply just to end that craving of yours.

....

But he forgot.

There was indeed an occasion.

It was her birthday.

Happy birthday?

....

Or if you look at it from another point of view..

Cake is a type of dessert. Plus it's a chocolate cake.

So..it could also be seen as a kind of comfort food?

So when does one need comfort food the most?

When you need to de-stress?

..Or is it when you're sad?

Boom boom

Blog's been pretty dead, heh.

Not that I don't have time to update, it's just that it never crossed my mind to update it. Heh.

Chor 8 today - chor 9 tomorrow - Kau Wong Yeh.

Haiz, fireworks gonna go boom boom boom. No, more of like BOOM BOOM BOOM.

Economy.....ok la this year. HAHAHA.

Thought lately: Why care so much when others don't care? 

Been thinking too much lately.

Sem 3 [Y2, S1] huh, scary much.

Meh, by the end of 2014, I'll be gone from this place.

Sounds far? Not really.

The future seems pretty scary at times, as if time is moving too fast.

Everything seems to be like, *blink blink* another year gone.

Oh, I NEED my book vouchers. So much to buy:
1. Ortho book.
2. Pocketbook.
3. Therapeutic exs book.
4. Tendon hammer.
5. Stethoscope. *A bit too early, perhaps?*

And yey those books ain't cheap eh.


Pretty random update, till next time we shall meet again.

Chapter 8 (Final): Au...revoir?

*Credits to the owner of the picture. I do not own this picture.*

*(Source of inspiration) Distance - Christina Perri feat. Jason Mraz.

After all this years, he waited.

Will he ever get to see a reply for the note many years ago?

Will he ever get to see her again?

If she ever says to him,


"Wow, it's amazing that you still remember me after all these years."


Now, do you know why?


So, what will be her answer?




Be his dream catcher, filter all the bad ones and only keep the good ones?


Hop on the boat, go wherever it takes them?


Or, will it be an au revoir?


Will you end his waiting?


Read: Chapter 1 / Chapter 2-1 / Chapter 2-2 / Chapter 3 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 5 / Chapter 6 / Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Row, row, row your boat.

*Credits to the owner of the pic. I do not own the pic*

"Row, row, row your boat,

Gently down the stream.

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,

Life is but a dream."

Indeed life has been like a dream for this boy.

Do you know how dreams are?

Soft, cloud-like? 

It feels so real, but still you'll question yourself:

'Did it really happen?'

One year.

   Two years..

      Three...

        Four....

          Five.....

            Six......

             Seventh year.

He has not seen her in seven years.

Yet he has not forgotten a bit about her, nope. 

Those specs.

The pony tailed hair.

That smile.

'Will I ever see her again?'


Will she be his dream catcher? - to filter all the bad dreams, and only make all good ones.

'How are you?'

Read: Previous: Chapter 6 // Next: Chapter 8 (Final)

Chapter 6: Dreading much.

*Credits to the owner of the picture. I do not own the picture.*

Final year of elementary school.
It's time to enter junior high.

Before that, let's get to know this boy a litttttttle more.
He has this problem.

Some might see it as a big deal, some might think it is part of growing up.

TO LET GO. 





AND TO FORGET.



Not in a bad way like anger management, but more of a....sentimental side?





Continuing..


The time has come.



To move on.

He had to let go.



He sees her for the last time.


Her sisters.


He stood and look as she goes into the dark green coloured car and drives away.




"Good . . bye."





Will he ever get to see her again?




Read:  Previous: Chapter 5 /// Next: Chapter 7